Mindfulness Through Pleasure

Mindfulness is a major goal of psychotherapy. We want our clients to be able to savor the moment free of intrusive memories or worries about the future: Right Now. There are many ways to bring a client to the present moment: teaching mindfulness meditation, body awareness, or playing what do you notice? ("Name 3 things in the room that are red, 3 things you hear, 3 sensations.")

Some of my more anxious clients find that their obsessiveness scuttles attempts to meditate ("Am I doing it right? This is stupid? What am I supposed to be focusing on? I can't do it!). Body awareness reminds them of what could go wrong with their bodies. ("What if I stop breathing?!) I'm teaching these folks to make state changes through noticing pleasure. Here's how it works:

"Look around the office. Look out the window. Notice what catches your eye. Notice what's fun to look at or that you enjoy seeing. Stay with whatever it is, as long as it's interesting or pleasurable. (Usually they start to smile and to relax at this point.) When you're ready, and only when you're ready, look around for something else that pleases you. Stay with that object or view until you feel like moving on. Stay with it as long as you like. Great!" (We usually do 3 objects or views. I say that my eye can be pleased by looking at the angles on a molding, or 3 planes coming together in the corner of the room. I only have art that I like and little objects scattered about to look at. I tell them how much I like to look at the big tree across the street. This kind of pleasure can be a new experience for some, and quite profound. For others, it's not new, but consciously using it for mindfulness or self-soothing might be new.) "Now notice how you're sitting on the couch. Could you do anything to make that more comfortable? Try sinking into those cushions. How's that? Try sitting straighter or sticking this pillow behind your back. What feels the best? What fabric feels the best under your fingers? How about your hair on your hand? Do you like that texture?" (Crew cuts win this one!) Hang with what feels the best. Can you imagine the next time you take a shower, totally feeling that hot water, and enjoying it? Can you imagine being worried about something that you don't have power over, and finding something pleasing to look at or feel or smell or do? Think of something that might happen at work, and soothing yourself with something you enjoy. Think of something that happens at home, and coming back to yourself and this moment with something pleasing. If you commute, think of the irritating drivers and the waiting, and how you can shift your body in the car for your best comfort, and look at something interesting, a cool car, the view, a cloud, a bumper sticker, and while still paying attention to driving, have a little pleasure vacation."

People do this homework. And it works, even with the most anxious. And it doesn't feel like work. And they learn both mindfulness and painless state change. It doesn't clear underlying trauma. It doesn't take away an anxiety disorder. But it's a nice, easy habit to take on.

Comments

[Secret Shadows]

I hope that it is ok to say this here,afterall the title says, Mindfulness Through Pleasure". In the beginning of my therapy, being "mindful" and present to certain things was like the last thing I wanted to do. I am talking about sex. (blushing) Having an abuse history, I just wanted to block it out. However, I am married, and I do love my husband. I do want an intimate relationship with him. I don't know how or when, but at some point I dared to attempt to really work on mindfulness during sex, and to my surprise it was MUCH less scary than when I was trying to block it all out and get through it ASAP. Now, I still get triggered sometimes. My mind wanders sometimes, but I notice it, see it for what it is, and redirect my thoughts and attention to the moment, and lo and behold we are having an awesome intimate relationship. This coming from someone who almost never could. This coming from someone who went 3 years with her spouse with zero intimacy at all. I hope it's ok to say that here. I share that because I know how scary the idea of being mindful to sex is for survivors, and I hope that others can understand from my experience that mindfulness keeps your thoughts, feelings, etc. in the present. It makes it LESS likely that you will be triggered and if so LESS LIKELY that the triggers will hijack you. In the absence of mindfulness, the mind is free to roam anywhere. Mindfulness keeps it in the present and away from the abuse. And yes, I know how hard it is to stay mindful and present. I have DID. Trust me, with practice it can be done and it's well worth it. We are all well worth it. We deserve a life free from triggers.
(Sorry so long)
Secret Shadows

[Robin Shapiro]

Dear S.S.,
No need for apologies! I don't think sex is good until we can get present with our partners. According to Schnarch, showing up as exactly who you are is the basis for good sex. Getting to the present moment is important in all of life, but especially in bed. Good trauma therapy can help. One client, who gave me permission to quote her, left me an excited message after we had done some EMDR sessions on her childhood abuse: "I just had awesome sex with my husband, because for the first time in 10 years, my (abusive) grandfather wasn't in the room. Thank you and my husband thanks you." She was able to maintain presence and mindfulness. And it only got better after that.

[Secret Shadows]

"It only gets better after that."

My therapist is 57 and I am 39. After my discovery that sex could be really nice, I asked her, "Please don't tell me I've missed it, and biologically I'm nearing the end of my time." I suppose I wanted to know that at her age it hadn't died out. (not trying to get personal, yet...well....I was going to be sad if I finally discovered this and was going to "lose it" soon. (Kind of funny...) She assured me I have nothing to worry about. :)
Secret Shadows

[Attachment Girl]

Hi Robin,
Just wanted to say thank you for the post! I can measure my healing by my increasing ability to be present and I love this concept of being mindful of pleasurable things. Easier to stick around for those. I've been using this for several days and find it to be very effective. Especially if it involves petting my cat or dog as they are already very in the moment!

AG

[Robin Shapiro]

I'm so glad it works for you!