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April 17, 2009


Secret Shadows

I hope that it is ok to say this here,afterall the title says, Mindfulness Through Pleasure". In the beginning of my therapy, being "mindful" and present to certain things was like the last thing I wanted to do. I am talking about sex. (blushing) Having an abuse history, I just wanted to block it out. However, I am married, and I do love my husband. I do want an intimate relationship with him. I don't know how or when, but at some point I dared to attempt to really work on mindfulness during sex, and to my surprise it was MUCH less scary than when I was trying to block it all out and get through it ASAP. Now, I still get triggered sometimes. My mind wanders sometimes, but I notice it, see it for what it is, and redirect my thoughts and attention to the moment, and lo and behold we are having an awesome intimate relationship. This coming from someone who almost never could. This coming from someone who went 3 years with her spouse with zero intimacy at all. I hope it's ok to say that here. I share that because I know how scary the idea of being mindful to sex is for survivors, and I hope that others can understand from my experience that mindfulness keeps your thoughts, feelings, etc. in the present. It makes it LESS likely that you will be triggered and if so LESS LIKELY that the triggers will hijack you. In the absence of mindfulness, the mind is free to roam anywhere. Mindfulness keeps it in the present and away from the abuse. And yes, I know how hard it is to stay mindful and present. I have DID. Trust me, with practice it can be done and it's well worth it. We are all well worth it. We deserve a life free from triggers.
(Sorry so long)
Secret Shadows

Robin Shapiro

Dear S.S.,
No need for apologies! I don't think sex is good until we can get present with our partners. According to Schnarch, showing up as exactly who you are is the basis for good sex. Getting to the present moment is important in all of life, but especially in bed. Good trauma therapy can help. One client, who gave me permission to quote her, left me an excited message after we had done some EMDR sessions on her childhood abuse: "I just had awesome sex with my husband, because for the first time in 10 years, my (abusive) grandfather wasn't in the room. Thank you and my husband thanks you." She was able to maintain presence and mindfulness. And it only got better after that.

Secret Shadows

"It only gets better after that."

My therapist is 57 and I am 39. After my discovery that sex could be really nice, I asked her, "Please don't tell me I've missed it, and biologically I'm nearing the end of my time." I suppose I wanted to know that at her age it hadn't died out. (not trying to get personal, yet...well....I was going to be sad if I finally discovered this and was going to "lose it" soon. (Kind of funny...) She assured me I have nothing to worry about. :)
Secret Shadows

Attachment Girl

Hi Robin,
Just wanted to say thank you for the post! I can measure my healing by my increasing ability to be present and I love this concept of being mindful of pleasurable things. Easier to stick around for those. I've been using this for several days and find it to be very effective. Especially if it involves petting my cat or dog as they are already very in the moment!


Robin Shapiro

I'm so glad it works for you!

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hello!! I like this information!!Psychotherapy, or personal counseling with a psychotherapist, is an intentional interpersonal relationship used by trained psychotherapists to aid a client or patient in problems of living.it is one of the things that the people have to do to fix the problems!!22dd

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